Submissive or Not?

Hello all,

I have been facing some questions of late and hope that in bringing them to you i can find answers. I have been visiting smart lately and although i still feel the need to find one i can allow myself to submit to, i have been entertaining thoughts of topping others. It seems to appeal to me to be practiced in many things to offer a potential Master the option of using me to punish others. On my first dungeon night, i took the time to look at all the different punishing items. Testing each on my arm, i tried to gauge how each would feel to me, and in doing so i thought how they would also feel to others. I guess my perusal got the attention of one of the Doms in attendance and he proceeded to show me how some items were used. I was a very arrousing experience. Although i wacked both him and myself, he was a very patient teacher, and i enjoyed the lesson very much.

The next dungeon night T and T allowed me to assist them in administering punishment to a most petulant sub, i enjoyed feeling needed and loved that they thought of me to share in thier scene. I think i liked that the most. Also that night, i met the most lovely sub that i will call Ali. She talked to me about her life and how she wanted to find a Top for the night for play. I found myself wanting to help her, thinking that maybe if i played with her she would be noticed by others who would be more experienced and can give her exactly what she needed. I still find myself thinking about what i would do to her... Does that make me any less submissive? Am i not as submissive as i think since i can come up with such a scenario? I don't know, but i think i will ask Ali if i can play with her sometime, maybe if i try it i might like it, or even be better at it that i ever thought i could be...lol

I will have to think on this...

Kai

It's been awhile...

But i asure you i have not abandoned you, just been a a little busy. I have found myself amongst like minds lately and i am about to start a more active chapter in my life. I will start with Friday night when i took a look at my planner (a time management project for class) and relized i was doing it again. My life was once again starting to become a monotony of work, school, and home without any thought of devoting time to me. I promised Jezz i would take more time to learn more about me, and devote more time to things that i liked for the sole purpose of my own enjoyment. Yet i was at a block, i had noted the problem but what would i do about it. Then looking through my email i ran over that letter again. The one from a local BDSM group, inviting me to the next meeting that just so happen to be the next day. Fate at work. I had been putting it off for two months and i decided to take a chance and go. There was nothing i had to lose, i had discused it with Jezz weeks ago and had only been making excuses not to go, so i went. It was better that i had imagined, no one made me feel unwelcome or left out. The classes were informative and valid, and i even met some interesting people. I will give you the details another night, but all in all i am glad i went.