Just some thoughts in retrospect...

So i realized something about myself today, while talking to husband. We discussed our ideals on D/s relationships and how we see ourselves in them. In talking i saw the we have very different views on the subject and i wondered how we haven't noticed any of this in all these years. He sees himself as a more animalistic (his word not mine) Dominant. A type of control with no structure, rules, or form. He thinks of it as letting oneself run on instinct. His sub has allowed him to own her for a period of time and to do what he feels in the mood to do. He lets his instincts run the moment and plans nothing, letting things happen as they may. He never really thought of himself in the BDSM world, never looked into any of it before us, this is just how he has always been. So i think my ideals, that have been formed from research and personal fantasy, are foreign to him because he has never thought about it that way.
I realized that this is not the type of submissive i am, but in my submission i have not yet shared this with him. I have given him leave to do what he wants, but i am starting to see that it is not working for me. Sometimes i am left feeling empty and wanting. My D/s ideals are more structured. How i see it there are rules, there are punishments, there are rewards, and there are lessons to be learned. There are reasons for everything, and when the scene ends i would be left with something to think about until the next time. I would be free to explore things about myself and push my very limits. I could enjoy the freedom of just letting go and losing myself in the moment, and i could trust my Master would be there to guide me back if i go too far. Maybe that is the problem right there... Can i trust him to bring me back, will he be there if i get too lost? What if i can't calm myself down or judge how far i should go? Maybe questions for another time.
The thing for me is that if there is no structure or pattern for me to follow than I don't know what he expects from me. I always find myself thinking about how i should react, what i should be doing, or what i could do to make him enjoy it more. Without some type of pattern i always wind up over thinking it and the next thing i know i am faking it and left feeling empty. Its the same reason vanilla sex has almost always been a buzz kill for me. A man could be doing everything right physically but unless my brain was occupied i would never climax. Now i realize some types of sceneing can do the same thing. Am i doomed? Is my idea of D/s not realistic? And how can i find a solution that won't end my marriage? Maybe i'll never know...