Khaos Explained
Tuesday, August 25
A new solution to an old problem...
I don't know if i will share this with you all, but it is a moment that should be recorded in time. Today i realized how blessed i am to have a husband such as Jezz. He has always told me to trust him with everything and stubborn as i am i have never given him the chance. Today i learned of my error. I decided to share with him some of the thoughts i have share with you and i was surprised at the result. He listened without any judgment and then gave me some of his thoughts. He said that i have never been given any chance to explore and that he thought that if i did then i would be "more complete". I was shocked at this, i expected him to be open, (as he always is) but i never thought he would be willing to allow me such freedom. He gave me a gift i never thought i'd receive, a chance to have my cake and eat it too :) The only worry i have is if he is serious about this. Can he truly handle something like that. When i asked him about it he only said he felt that there was something i needed to feel complete and he could not do it, and he would not to keep me from it. It was nice to actually talk this out with him. We discussed how things would work if i found someone and what rules i should follow in that situation. It was all what if's and possibilities, but it is still nice to know he would support me. Now what's next, is all i can think...
Friday, August 21
Just some thoughts in retrospect...
So i realized something about myself today, while talking to husband. We discussed our ideals on D/s relationships and how we see ourselves in them. In talking i saw the we have very different views on the subject and i wondered how we haven't noticed any of this in all these years. He sees himself as a more animalistic (his word not mine) Dominant. A type of control with no structure, rules, or form. He thinks of it as letting oneself run on instinct. His sub has allowed him to own her for a period of time and to do what he feels in the mood to do. He lets his instincts run the moment and plans nothing, letting things happen as they may. He never really thought of himself in the BDSM world, never looked into any of it before us, this is just how he has always been. So i think my ideals, that have been formed from research and personal fantasy, are foreign to him because he has never thought about it that way.
I realized that this is not the type of submissive i am, but in my submission i have not yet shared this with him. I have given him leave to do what he wants, but i am starting to see that it is not working for me. Sometimes i am left feeling empty and wanting. My D/s ideals are more structured. How i see it there are rules, there are punishments, there are rewards, and there are lessons to be learned. There are reasons for everything, and when the scene ends i would be left with something to think about until the next time. I would be free to explore things about myself and push my very limits. I could enjoy the freedom of just letting go and losing myself in the moment, and i could trust my Master would be there to guide me back if i go too far. Maybe that is the problem right there... Can i trust him to bring me back, will he be there if i get too lost? What if i can't calm myself down or judge how far i should go? Maybe questions for another time.
The thing for me is that if there is no structure or pattern for me to follow than I don't know what he expects from me. I always find myself thinking about how i should react, what i should be doing, or what i could do to make him enjoy it more. Without some type of pattern i always wind up over thinking it and the next thing i know i am faking it and left feeling empty. Its the same reason vanilla sex has almost always been a buzz kill for me. A man could be doing everything right physically but unless my brain was occupied i would never climax. Now i realize some types of sceneing can do the same thing. Am i doomed? Is my idea of D/s not realistic? And how can i find a solution that won't end my marriage? Maybe i'll never know...
I realized that this is not the type of submissive i am, but in my submission i have not yet shared this with him. I have given him leave to do what he wants, but i am starting to see that it is not working for me. Sometimes i am left feeling empty and wanting. My D/s ideals are more structured. How i see it there are rules, there are punishments, there are rewards, and there are lessons to be learned. There are reasons for everything, and when the scene ends i would be left with something to think about until the next time. I would be free to explore things about myself and push my very limits. I could enjoy the freedom of just letting go and losing myself in the moment, and i could trust my Master would be there to guide me back if i go too far. Maybe that is the problem right there... Can i trust him to bring me back, will he be there if i get too lost? What if i can't calm myself down or judge how far i should go? Maybe questions for another time.
The thing for me is that if there is no structure or pattern for me to follow than I don't know what he expects from me. I always find myself thinking about how i should react, what i should be doing, or what i could do to make him enjoy it more. Without some type of pattern i always wind up over thinking it and the next thing i know i am faking it and left feeling empty. Its the same reason vanilla sex has almost always been a buzz kill for me. A man could be doing everything right physically but unless my brain was occupied i would never climax. Now i realize some types of sceneing can do the same thing. Am i doomed? Is my idea of D/s not realistic? And how can i find a solution that won't end my marriage? Maybe i'll never know...
Thursday, August 20
My secret tears...
So i just read this lovely post by Tyr...
And it got me thinking. I had a scene like this once. My husband was trying some new things on me (he does this once in a while to see how i react and try to figure out what i like, he is still new to this D/s thing.) He went farther than he has ever before. Biting and pinching me, and the pain was almost more than i could take, but he kept at it until tears formed and leaked from my eyes. Then he stopped, i think the tears confused him, he didn't know if he was truly hurting me or what, and i was too far from my brain to speak on what i was feeling. All i did know was that i was having the same conflict with in myself. I wanted to keep going, even though it hurt. I wanted to see how much i could take, and i was at ease with giving him my tears, to me he desreved it. It was one of the few times that i wasn't giving a measured reaction, i was just feeling, and although it hurt to me it also felt soooo good. The next day i had a bruise on my inner thigh where he bit down that last time. I poked at it all the next day remembering and getting aroused at the though of what he did. I have never told him about that , and we have never mentioned it again, but i am always looking for that feeling of being lost and just allowing my self to feel without thinking about my reaction.
And it got me thinking. I had a scene like this once. My husband was trying some new things on me (he does this once in a while to see how i react and try to figure out what i like, he is still new to this D/s thing.) He went farther than he has ever before. Biting and pinching me, and the pain was almost more than i could take, but he kept at it until tears formed and leaked from my eyes. Then he stopped, i think the tears confused him, he didn't know if he was truly hurting me or what, and i was too far from my brain to speak on what i was feeling. All i did know was that i was having the same conflict with in myself. I wanted to keep going, even though it hurt. I wanted to see how much i could take, and i was at ease with giving him my tears, to me he desreved it. It was one of the few times that i wasn't giving a measured reaction, i was just feeling, and although it hurt to me it also felt soooo good. The next day i had a bruise on my inner thigh where he bit down that last time. I poked at it all the next day remembering and getting aroused at the though of what he did. I have never told him about that , and we have never mentioned it again, but i am always looking for that feeling of being lost and just allowing my self to feel without thinking about my reaction.
The Confession... Coming Soon (if i ever finish it)
Here is an excerpt form a book I am writing. If you enjoy it please let me know and I will post more parts for you to read. Also let me know what you think of it.
P.S. Already copyrighted for all you plagiarist out there, so don't even think about it...
"Hello?" his deep voice thrummed over the line. Oh how I love that voice. It would be easy to fall into a trance like state and have fantasies, hearing that voice. The words he said wouldn't matter, only the timbre. The vibrations that roll off his tongue like the bass of a baby-maker album could melt even the strongest willed of women. I found myself drifting into that trance, just straining, waiting to hear his voice.
"Mac, I'm pregnant."
My fantasy went up in flames and with those three words my carefully constructed world of 3 years fell down around my ears. I considered my intentions good thinking I would listen in on the phone call just to hear his voice. My husbands voice, one that had always attracted me, fascinated me, completed me, it would now be my undoing.
"Why are you ca…what?" I guess her comment took a while to sink. The confusion and anger was evident in his words. "What are you talking about?" he said in obvious disbelief.
"I said I'm having your child!" her tears could be heard when she raised her voice. There was silence for so long I thought he might have hung up. I started to wonder if I was hearing things, trying hard to deny the possibility that something like this could be happening.
"You said this wouldn't happen, couldn't and now you call our house to tell me this. There are better ways this could have been handled," his said, but his acknowledgment of the statement was all it took. I knew my world had ended. Years of trust and faith built by our marriage burned down in moments. My mind was reeling. How could this happen, when? How had I not noticed? The pain was worse than anything physical. Chest constricted, trying quietly to bring air into lungs that no longer wanted to work beyond the hurt, I tuned my attention back into the conversation.
"Look I don't know why I decided to tell you. Maybe its because I know you long to have one of your own I felt you deserved to know. I'm pregnant and I'm keeping it. What you do with this info is your choice. I have done my part in sharing," she confessed thickly, the obvious pain in her voice reminding me of my own. "I feel like I've traded my soul for one night with you. She'll never for give me." It was there my world came to a halt. Listening beyond the tears I realized who he was talking to, Cyla, my best friend. I couldn't breath, the betrayal was mind numbing; the hurt, paralyzing. How could I ever look at either one of them again? The pain I shared with Cyla, the secret pain of not being able to give my husband the child he wanted so desperately. The moments spent crying my frustration into her arms. How could she, knowing the pain it would cause. My anger became frightening, almost overwhelming the grief.
My husband's sigh of defeat brought my attention back the call.
"Are you sure? How long have you known?"
"I found out last week, I have been fighting myself on whether to tell you or not. I called you here on a whim, hoping I could say this before I lost my nerve. I didn't want to break her heart more than we already have, but I couldn't keep this from you. If you decide to tell her I'll leave this decision in your hands. I can't face hurting her anymore. Lying to her was killing me inside," she said quietly, her voice becoming calmer. I had been wondering why she pulled herself away from our friendship over these few months and abruptly these last couple of weeks now I knew why. The shock of it all was beginning to wear down my nerves, but still I resigned myself to listen, to hear the rest of their story unfold. I don't know why but my mind needed to hear the rest, it needed to try to understand, to make sense of this mess.
"I am over six weeks along, there is no doubt. The doctors have me due in April. I hope you know this is not a ploy to be with you, and I am not attempting to destroy your marriage. I just want you to be informed, so you can't say I hid it from you." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How could she not destroy my marriage, she slept with my husband and now was going to give him the child I tried three years to give him. Forget my marriage; I felt she was destroying my life.
"I can't blame you for what happens when I tell Kai," his weary sigh seemed to be directed towards me, as if he knew I was on the phone. "We both had our hand in this. I should have had more faith in her. Should have stayed faithful, I should have never let you convince me otherwise. Now it is time to fess up. I have no intention of being with you, you knew this then, but I will live up to the responsibilities of my actions. We will handle the baby together," he paused, "I hope Kai can forgive me." Confused by his words I let grief consume me; he admitted his betrayal to her as much as to me. He planed to tell me, but how long did he think he could take?
"I will call you later; I have some confessions to make." With that he hung up. In the quiet of our bedroom, my chest hurting with silent sobs; I let the pain and anger take me.
P.S. Already copyrighted for all you plagiarist out there, so don't even think about it...
"Hello?" his deep voice thrummed over the line. Oh how I love that voice. It would be easy to fall into a trance like state and have fantasies, hearing that voice. The words he said wouldn't matter, only the timbre. The vibrations that roll off his tongue like the bass of a baby-maker album could melt even the strongest willed of women. I found myself drifting into that trance, just straining, waiting to hear his voice.
"Mac, I'm pregnant."
My fantasy went up in flames and with those three words my carefully constructed world of 3 years fell down around my ears. I considered my intentions good thinking I would listen in on the phone call just to hear his voice. My husbands voice, one that had always attracted me, fascinated me, completed me, it would now be my undoing.
"Why are you ca…what?" I guess her comment took a while to sink. The confusion and anger was evident in his words. "What are you talking about?" he said in obvious disbelief.
"I said I'm having your child!" her tears could be heard when she raised her voice. There was silence for so long I thought he might have hung up. I started to wonder if I was hearing things, trying hard to deny the possibility that something like this could be happening.
"You said this wouldn't happen, couldn't and now you call our house to tell me this. There are better ways this could have been handled," his said, but his acknowledgment of the statement was all it took. I knew my world had ended. Years of trust and faith built by our marriage burned down in moments. My mind was reeling. How could this happen, when? How had I not noticed? The pain was worse than anything physical. Chest constricted, trying quietly to bring air into lungs that no longer wanted to work beyond the hurt, I tuned my attention back into the conversation.
"Look I don't know why I decided to tell you. Maybe its because I know you long to have one of your own I felt you deserved to know. I'm pregnant and I'm keeping it. What you do with this info is your choice. I have done my part in sharing," she confessed thickly, the obvious pain in her voice reminding me of my own. "I feel like I've traded my soul for one night with you. She'll never for give me." It was there my world came to a halt. Listening beyond the tears I realized who he was talking to, Cyla, my best friend. I couldn't breath, the betrayal was mind numbing; the hurt, paralyzing. How could I ever look at either one of them again? The pain I shared with Cyla, the secret pain of not being able to give my husband the child he wanted so desperately. The moments spent crying my frustration into her arms. How could she, knowing the pain it would cause. My anger became frightening, almost overwhelming the grief.
My husband's sigh of defeat brought my attention back the call.
"Are you sure? How long have you known?"
"I found out last week, I have been fighting myself on whether to tell you or not. I called you here on a whim, hoping I could say this before I lost my nerve. I didn't want to break her heart more than we already have, but I couldn't keep this from you. If you decide to tell her I'll leave this decision in your hands. I can't face hurting her anymore. Lying to her was killing me inside," she said quietly, her voice becoming calmer. I had been wondering why she pulled herself away from our friendship over these few months and abruptly these last couple of weeks now I knew why. The shock of it all was beginning to wear down my nerves, but still I resigned myself to listen, to hear the rest of their story unfold. I don't know why but my mind needed to hear the rest, it needed to try to understand, to make sense of this mess.
"I am over six weeks along, there is no doubt. The doctors have me due in April. I hope you know this is not a ploy to be with you, and I am not attempting to destroy your marriage. I just want you to be informed, so you can't say I hid it from you." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How could she not destroy my marriage, she slept with my husband and now was going to give him the child I tried three years to give him. Forget my marriage; I felt she was destroying my life.
"I can't blame you for what happens when I tell Kai," his weary sigh seemed to be directed towards me, as if he knew I was on the phone. "We both had our hand in this. I should have had more faith in her. Should have stayed faithful, I should have never let you convince me otherwise. Now it is time to fess up. I have no intention of being with you, you knew this then, but I will live up to the responsibilities of my actions. We will handle the baby together," he paused, "I hope Kai can forgive me." Confused by his words I let grief consume me; he admitted his betrayal to her as much as to me. He planed to tell me, but how long did he think he could take?
"I will call you later; I have some confessions to make." With that he hung up. In the quiet of our bedroom, my chest hurting with silent sobs; I let the pain and anger take me.
***********
Saturday, August 15
What is My Secret Khaos (an introduction of sorts...)
Why I write...
I will write here all the things i wish to say in life that i find i lack the conviction to let fall from my lips. I am a writer, a submissive, a mom, a wife, and a woman. I am labeled in almost every facet of my life and sometimes i feel stifled by the pressure living up to those labels can entail, but here i feel i can allow myself to be free without worry of others judgments. In this world, my secret world, i feel it is safe to let myself go and share all the things i wish i had the guts to share with the people in my everyday life. Feel free to browse as i share my secret world of khaos with you. You can comment and share ideas and if you find that you are of a like mind know that i welcome all those who would jump into khaos with me...Enjoy!
I will write here all the things i wish to say in life that i find i lack the conviction to let fall from my lips. I am a writer, a submissive, a mom, a wife, and a woman. I am labeled in almost every facet of my life and sometimes i feel stifled by the pressure living up to those labels can entail, but here i feel i can allow myself to be free without worry of others judgments. In this world, my secret world, i feel it is safe to let myself go and share all the things i wish i had the guts to share with the people in my everyday life. Feel free to browse as i share my secret world of khaos with you. You can comment and share ideas and if you find that you are of a like mind know that i welcome all those who would jump into khaos with me...Enjoy!
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